Travelling with anxiety

Anyone who knows me would know that I am a bit of a stress head. What they may not know is that I am borderline diagnosable with general anxiety disorder. It's not something I talk about. It's not something I admit to. Mostly because I feel that there is something wrong with me and I should be able to control it, even though I know that's not true. So perhaps that is why I do need to talk about it.

I didn't know I suffered anxiety until about 4 years ago. My mum was always a worrier. She would worry about all sorts of things and I grew up thinking that was normal. I thought it was normal to lie in bed at night imagining all sorts of worse case scenarios and coming up with solutions for them before I could go to sleep. I have always wondered, because of mum, whether anxiety in "nature" or "nurture". Is anxiety hardwired into me? Or did I learn it from my mum and her constant worry? None of these thoughts solve the problem though, do they. But I am doing my utmost to make sure that my kids don't see my anxiety because I don't want to make them anxious (if that is even possible).

So what does anxiety have to do with my travelling? For the most part, nothing. But in one area it has been having a massive impact on me. For those of you who've read this blog from early on you would know that I had an encounter (of the not-so-good kind) with a Coffin Ray at Jervis Bay. I had been for a snorkel by myself, because someone has to stay onshore and make sure the kidlets don't drown while the other one gets to have fun. I had snorkelled near the entrance to Honeymoon Bay, which is an absolutely stunning place, but the water was a bit churned up there and I freaked myself out snorkelling alone and headed back for shore. Just as I got to knee deep water, I knelt down to take off my mask and flippers when I felt an almighty whack to the back of my leg. It felt like being kicked by a horse or an electric fence... if you've had either of those experiences, which I have. I freaked out and yelled for Greg, scaring the daylights out of half the people on the beach I think, and then put my other knee down. As I did I felt something wriggling and moving underneath it, which resulted in way more thrashing and freaking out by me. It turns out a Coffin Ray delivers an electric shock to you, which was the hit I felt on the back of my leg... but knowing that still didn't help that initial spurt of terror because of course, I immediately thought "shark" and that I was going to die (not an over reaction or anything, hey?)

Following that adventure, or misadventure, we really weren't anywhere where we could swim, as it was always too cold. It wasn't until we went home to help Nana and Pop that I was in a position to go near/in water again. I was sitting on the side of a boat ramp at North Haven and went to dangle my feet over the edge. As I put my feet down (still about 15cm above the surface of the water) I freaked out that I couldn't do that as something (ie, shark) would come and bite me. Highly irrational, I know, but oh so hard to control.

Having just been at Mataranka and the hot springs at Bitter Springs, that fear of danger associated with water has reared its ugly head again. The whole time we were in the hot springs, floating in the crystal clear, stunningly blue, beautiful warm water, drifting downstream with the current, I had a constant low level hum of anxiety sitting in the back of my mind, detracting from the experience. It is kind of like the constant low hum you get from power lines - present, noticeable and annoying but you can tune it out sometimes. I was OK if other people were in sight, but if we were alone I started to completely freak out.

And as we head further into croc territory I think I am going to be permanently stressed. I know there are 2 key bits of advice: 1 - if there's a sign that says crocs, stay out of the water and 2 - if there's no sign, stay out of the water. But what happens if we miss the sign? What happens if the ranger misses the signs of a croc? What happens if a croc moves in between inspections? So many worries... and no answers except to stay out of the water, but I really don't want to be ruled by my irrational fears and anxiety.

I have always loved the beach, the ocean and playing around in creeks. The beach especially is my calming place, the place that restores my soul... and now all I can think of is the fear. I had grand plans of swimming with whale sharks at Ningaloo. It's something I've wanted to do for a very long time, around 20 years, but now I just won't be able to. I wish there was a way to talk myself out of my anxiety, out of how irrational my fears are, but I can't at this stage. It seems like my time in croc territory is just going to make it worse. I hope that I can possibly desensitize over time and come good before we hit the amazing beaches and snorkelling spots on the north coast of WA. I don't want our journey of a life time spoiled by my fear and anxiety. Hopefully I come up with a solution to this particular anxiety... the other ones just make me sound crackers lol!